wifisearcher:

i cANT EVEN omg

illkim:

*waits for 911 to call me first so i don’t sound thirsty*

volcainist:

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wow he sure is hungry

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no no that’s just the way all kids eat cereal these days — face first

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i’m hip

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kobetyrant:

teacher: hello! your child has been very insubordinate in class! causing disruption throughout the whole period-

me as a parent: ??? receipts :)

foodtrucker:

please don’t flirt with people i secretly like it’s rude and disrespectful

me: where do you live?
vegan: I'm a vegan